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They were previously on his site.

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Dionne's Ditherings Week 16-18/2/99

I would have posted this yesterday, but I met up with a load of wine for
my birthday and didn't quite make it. You know how it is....

Anyway, affairs of the heart dominated Emmerdale this week, with Scott &
Kelly edging closer together, Chris playing a dangerous game with Kathy
& the Rotweiler, and Marlon trying to prove his love for Lyn in
increasingly bizarre ways.

Dealing with these in turn:

Scott & Kelly - yes, the Hunk-of-Emmerdale is like a dog on severe heat
as he continues to pant after his stepsister. Roy's confused at the
moment, as Scott is warning him off at every given opportunity and Kelly
is indifferent to him at most times.

Miss Piggy's desperately trying to fight off Scott, but the turning
point comes when Scott takes her out for a driving lesson (because Roy's
been detained). Scott drives very fast (because women are easily
impressed by such macho bollocks) and only stops when Kelly begs him
too. He tells her that he only did it because he wanted attention, which
is enough for Miss Piggy to snog him. The HoE comes over all smug,
saying that he *knew* she still fancied him; Kelly is repulsed (but not
so repulsed that she resorts to wearing her usual belts in the next

Despite all this, something is developing between the pair, and Scott
tries to be alone with Kelly when Viv & Donna (yes, she returned for
about 10 minutes) trot off to the cinema. Kelly tries to stop this by
inviting Roy round and persuading Scott to meet up with a girl in Leeds
(Scott's ego wasn't available on Thursday, but it's going to meet him
the Woolie next week). Doesn't work - Scott returns, prompting Roy to
leave (still thinking Scott's his mate. *Such* a simpleton at times).
The pair finally admit that they can't bear the thought of anyone else
touching them. Kelly goes off to think and pout some more.

Eek. This storyline's getting quite tedious. I'm beginning to wish
they'd get on with it, except that it means more shots of Scott's bare
chest. Could it be more obvious that we're supposed to fancy Scott??
(besides, Paddy's far more gorgeous IMO).

Chris, Kathy & Laura

Kathy's convinced that she's made the right decision in turning Chris
down, but as our Karen pointed out earlier this week she's uncomfortable
with the fact that Chris has lined up Laura as her replacement. Chris
wastes no time in telling her so at Alice's birthday party on Tuesday.
Luckily for Kathy, Biff is still the supportive mate, a fact not
unnoticed by Chris.

Rachel (to Chris): Don't you think you'd better go, now Biff's here?

Chris: To be jealous of somebody they have to be a threat. The local
dishwasher hardly worries me.

Chris wheels himself round to Laura's, where he tells her that he
doesn't love Kathy, he cares for her instead. Chinless smiles for the
first time since she joined Emmerdale, and falls into his arms.

The next day. Chris tries to stay cool with Laura, indicating it was a
one night stand, but Laura's in love and suggests they go away for a
while to get to know each other. As news of their liasion spreads
throughout the village, Kathy tries to brazen it out in the Diner but
Biff susses that she's not too happy about the situation. Chris has
sussed it too, because he and Laura appear for breakfast at the Diner
and he ends up inviting Kathy for dinner. Nothing like a bit of
competition to feed Kathy & Laura's insecurities, not to mention Chris's

Pasta chez Laura is *not* a pleasant affair. Laura & Kathy tiptoe around
each other while Chris quietly enjoys the evening. When Laura mentions
that she & Chris are thinking of going away, Chris turns it around by
asking Kathy to help them decide where to go. The plot thickens....

It's obvious that Chris is seeing Laura to make Kathy jealous, and it
seems to be working. However, Kathy & Laura are both intelligent women -
surely they'll twig that Chris is playing a dangerous game and will kick
him into touch? Or will someone else arrive on the scene (ie Stephen
McGann?) Should be interesting.

Marlon & Lyn

Gotta admire Marlon - despite the fact that he walks like a Thunderbird
puppet (according to my mother's best friend) he *really* loves Lyn.
Either that, or he's an idiot, because to do the dares that Lyn makes
him do this week you have to be one or the other.

It starts off quite safely, with Lyn asking Marlon to phone in sick to
prove that he loves her more than the job. Marlon duly obliges, only for
Lyn to confiscate his door keys and telling him to stay outside in the
cold until she says otherwise.

Lyn goes off to work, thinking that Marlon will stay outside for 10
minutes at most. Not him - he's in love (or an idiot) and he stays there
until lunchtime when Lyn sees him outside the PO. Back at work, he
thinks they're love's young dream again when Lyn gives him his next
assignment - to dye Pollard's moustache pink.

Somehow, Marlon manages to break into Pollard's flat (while he's
sleeping off a lot of Scotch) and puts red food dye on his tache. Cue
laughter from the locals, as Pollard lurches along with a pink
caterpillar on his top lip (losing a posh client in the process). Lyn's
shocked that Marlon actually went through with it, and considers falling
into his arms when Dopey Slapper persuades her to give him one more
dare. So she does - Marlon has to do a full Monty at Stella's bash. We
are in for a *real* treat next week (says Dionne, grateful that Kieran
hasn't made Scott do it instead).

Other storylines

-- Zoe continues her impersonation of PsychoVet when she goes up to the
Sugdens to give them 1000 pounds for the dead sheep. Earlier, StudPaddy
had gone up to the farm to persuade Jack & Sarah to keep Zoe on, arguing
that she was under pressure since Kim's court case and her subsequent
disappearance. Jack relents, only to lose his rag when Zoe arrives later
on. He sees the money as a bribe, and tells Zoe that he will turn to
another vet in future.

-- more joy at the Woolpack, with Round whatever of Big Bad Bernice -v-
The Mud Queens. Bernice has taken to writing everything down in a black
book, and instructs Mandy & Dopey to smile more behind the bar. She also
invents "WoolSnacks", aka bar food which she wants Mandy to prepare.
This effectively banishes Mandy to the kitchen, which she's not too
happy about. Bernice is winning the fight on points at the moment, but
can the Mud Queens fight back?

-- Stella and her curls move into Home Farm, and begins to make her mark
on the village. Air-wick suggests that she holds a soiree for all the
local posh folk, but Stella spurns that idea and decides to hold a
housewarming party for the whole village. She's coming across as
friendly and accomodating to everyone, which annoys Air-wick as he feels
people could take advantage of her (especially as she decides to run
Home Farm herself instead of hiring Air-wick as Estates Manager).

But... da da DAA! Stella's got a secret. Not only is she evasive when
asked about her husband's former business associates, Bernice takes time
off from sniping at the Mud Queens to remark that she's seen Stella
before, but can't put her finger on where. Look out for a big
announcement about Stella's past in the future. Hopefully it will be a
bit more exciting than the fact that she used to play Jambo's mum in